Challenges in Marriage and Relationships

This is the first stage in most relationships; whether it is considered dating, courtship, or “just friends – maybe more”. Often couples in this stage don't seek counseling when things get difficult, but instead they simply break up. That is often appropriate, since dating is a way exploring what one wants from a relationship or if a person is a good match. But when there's been a significant investment with each other or there is potential for a long term relationship, counseling may be helpful for working through a difficult phase and avoiding the loss of the relationship. If people find their relationships never move beyond this stage, despite their desire for a committed relationship,  they may wish to use individual counseling to explore what is contributing to this pattern.

In the past, counseling at this stage was predominantly viewed as premarital counseling; however "commitment" may take many forms besides marriage. This is arguably the most proactive (and underused) form of couples counseling. The transition from exploring possibilities with another person into making a commitment to be a part of their life is quite significant. Many couples move into commitment "by default"; that is, simply following their natural attraction for each other without making explicit and clear agreements about their commitment. This may result in assumptions being made, often followed by feelings of disappointment or even betrayal when 'surprises' begin to emerge later in the relationship. At this stage the prospects for long term success in couples' commitments is directly related to three factors. First, the couple's willingness to be candid and specific about their expectations and agreements. Second, a willingness to realistically consider the "nuts and bolts" implications of their commitments, especially related to cohabitation or marriage. And lastly, each partner's willingness not to "give in" or agree to things that don't truly fit for them.  Admittedly, it is not a very romantic process to deal with these issues directly, but doing so can help to avoid many future challenges - and can actually lead to greater intimacy. For many people this may not be a natural or easy process, or they may even be unsure what issues to address, so counseling can be very helpful to couples in this stage.

Ideally this stage of a relationship will occur before the couple makes serious commitments to each other, but not all couples follow that sequence. During the early phases of a relationship there is a heightened sense of excitement about discovering and enjoying the qualities of a new companion. In the "honeymoon phase" this excitement and attraction allows couples to gloss over each other's "less desirable" traits. The duration of this phase varies, but inevitably the excitement must subside and an increased level of conflict begins as the couple starts to address the areas where they don't match up so easily. This time may be confusing to couples and lead them to question their compatibility. But, it is a perfectly natural phase of a relationship. It actually provides a valuable "testing ground" for the couple's ability to constructively address and resolve differences and conflicts; which is essential for intimacy and having a healthy long term relationship. Counseling can serve a valuable role in this phase by assisting couples to find their unique methods for dealing with conflicts in genuine and productive ways.

Nearly every long term relationship will have phases when the intensity, attraction, or energy of the interaction between the couple goes flat. This can occur for many reasons, but taking action to understand and address the reasons is often crucial for the relationship to move beyond this phase. Quite often couples will first try to resurrect the things that gave their relationships vitality in the past. Sometimes that can work or at least help to make temporary improvement. But relationships continually evolve, so what worked in a past stage may no longer fit or even be possible within the current circumstances.  While there are many things that couples can do to help revive their relationship, those things need to be relevant to relationship within its current status. When a couple is committed to their relationship, but feeling adrift, counseling can be most useful to help understand what is causing the decrease in connection and what actions can be taken to revitalize the relationship.  

A relationship is a partnership of two people, but it certainly does not exist in isolation. Events outside of the couple’s control frequently have an impact on the quality of their relationship. Jobs, illness, aging parents, unexpected expenses, and even natural disasters are just a few of the possibilities in life that create stress and impact the quality of a relationship. While meeting these challenges together can often strengthen a relationship over the long term, it can also create significant disruption and disharmony in the short term. Oftentimes, having the support of a counselor can help a couple to solve problems  more effectively and reinforce the strengths of the relationship during difficult times.

Change is a fact of life, so successful long term relationships must have the ability to adjust and adapt to changes. Even when the change is desirable (birth of a child, new job, retirement) there is a phase of transition when some previous patterns of interacting may no longer work, but new patterns have not yet been established. In order to remain functional and enriching to the couple, relationships periodically need to be redefined and retooled. Counseling can assist a couple to be proactive about facing these transitions in order to decrease the intensity and duration of the discomfort, confusion, and frustration that often accompanies these transitions.

Mid-life brings it's own set of changes and challenges, both to individuals and to relationships. In a long standing relationship the mid-life issues are often related to making transitions, as noted in the section above. However, more than ever people are starting new relationships in their middle years. In many ways a midlife relationship has more flexibility, and therefore more options for the couple to define what form of relationship fits best for them. But, there are also fewer models or predictable expectations for relationships started in midlife. One thing that usually becomes clear fairly quickly is that many of the guidelines, priorities, and approaches that fit in young adulthood don't easily transfer to romance in midlife. Unlike couples starting a relationship in their youth, mid life couples have already lived a lot of life. So most often they have significant personal patterns, preferences, and even other commitments or obligations that they must integrate into their relationship. Because of this, midlife couples often face notable issues related to "Moving Toward Commitment", as noted in the section above. Counseling can be beneficial for an individual who is exploring relationships in their middle years; as well as for couples who are drawn to combine their lives, but may be challenged to find the forms that work for them.

Quite often after the partnering aspect of a relationship has ended the two individuals still need to interact with each other. This is most common when a couple has children, but it may involve other issues that linger after the couple has separated (shared assets, business interests, common social groups.) It can be awkward or emotionally difficult to come together and plan how to manage future interactions, so many former couples avoid doing it. But, without having some agreements and plans in place, every encounter with the former partner is an unpredictable and undefined event. Using a counselor as a consultant and/or mediator to establish agreements make plans and their future interactions can often help to avoid unnecessary anxiety, embarrassment, or emotional disruption.