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There are
many reasons couples come for counseling, but
usually it boils down to their "relationship isn't
working" the way they want. Since your marriage
or primary
relationship is so important, if it's not
working well it's expected that you'll have pretty strong
emotions about it, right? And sometimes those emotions
can make thinking
clearly, finding reliable answers, or even talking about it a
lot harder to do.
Whether
you're a couple in a crisis or
you have a more general sense something's just not right with your
relationship, the purpose of
marriage or couple's counseling is to find the ways that
allow for both of you to feel connected and supported in
your relationship. There is no "one size fits all"
answer, because your relationship truly is the only one
of its kind. So, counseling is a process of helping you
to
discover your unique ways of resolving conflicts,
communicating effectively, and
building intimacy and trust. The benefit of using a
relationship or marriage counselor is to find what works for you as quickly as possible
and help you
avoid the unnecessary hardship, struggle, and delays that can come
from a trial and error approach.
Marriage Counseling for Men...
(honest
guys, it
really doesn't have to suck)
Men are often
doubtful about using
marriage or couple's counseling and may avoid it or put
it off. But does that always mean they don't value
the relationship or that they don't care about making
things better? Not Necessarily. Often they are simply distrustful of the
counseling itself or that they will be 'treated fairly'
in counseling. Some common concerns men may have
about marriage counseling include:
- They think
they will be blamed for all the problems
- They believe
it will just involve "talking about their feelings"
- They worry
they're going to feel inadequate
- They believe
it will be biased toward the woman's point of view
or style of problem solving
- They're
already feeling guilty or inadequate that there are
problems and don't want to be embarrassed by talking
about it
- They worry
they'll be expected to do things that are awkward and
don't fit for them
- And let's
face it... guys just don't like asking for help
These are legitimate
concerns. Men and women organize information, process
issues, and go about solving problems differently. For
many decades counselors were mostly women; and counseling
did take on some bias towards the more female style of
working through things.
But, the vast
majority of men I've met through many years of leading
men's' groups have cared deeply about their family and
partners, even if they tend to "shut down" when things
get difficult. I also know that most men do not find
practical solutions they can really use to improve their
marriage through a "touchy - feely" approach to
counseling. I use a "gender-integrated" approach in
marriage and couple counseling, which acknowledges and
builds on the natural strengths of both the man and
woman to find workable and reliable solutions to their
challenges.
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